it's not you, it's me

English

Etymology

Originally used in American sports as a humblebrag consolation to less successful players. Popularized in romantic contexts by the 1988 American comedy Casual Sex?

Phrase

it's not you, it's me

1. (often ironic, sarcastic) Don't blame yourself for the end of our relationship.
   • 1988, Casual Sex?:

     Matthew: We have a problem...
     Melissa: Is it me?
     Matthew: No, no, no. It's not you, it's me. I'm not attracted to you.
     Melissa: Oh.
     Matthew: Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book.

   • 1993 October 28, “The Lip Reader”, in Seinfeld:

     George: I don't understand. Things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.
     Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
     George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine?! I invented "it's not you, it's me"! Nobody tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me.
     Gwen: All right, George, it's you.
     George: You're damn right it's me.
     Gwen: I was just trying to...
     George: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
     Gwen: I'm sure you do it very well.

   • 2011, Lotte Daley, chapter 1, in Faking It‎^[1], Penguin:

     ‘ […] I've been repeatedly calling him all morning. He won't pick up. All I got was this pathetic text,’ I cough and clear my throat. ‘It said, “It's not you, it's me, I'm sorry Katie”.’

Usage notes

This cliché is used at the end of a relationship (usually romantic) with the intent of removing anguish and forestalling futile offers of improvement by the other person. Given that the other person has been judged to be an inadequate partner, it is usually understood as ironic but palliative. Given its impersonality and implicit dishonesty, however, it may be taken as patronizing or insulting the intelligence of the other person.

Translations

don't blame yourself for the end of our relationship

• Catalan: no ets tu, sóc jo
• Persian: به خاطر تو نیست، تقصیر خودمه (be xâter-e to nist, taqsir-e xodam-e)
• Portuguese: não é você, sou eu
• Spanish: no eres tú, soy yo

References

• "It's Not You, It's Me: The Oldest Line in the Book Isn't Really That Old" in "Words at Play" at Merriam-Webster Online.
• "'It's Not You, It's Me.' Pseudo-Compassionate Break-Up Lines" (2010) at Psychology Today
• "What does 'It's not me, it's you?' mean..." (2012) at StackExchange.
• "It's Not You, It's Me" in Stephen Spector's May I Quote You on That? (2015)
• "It's Not You, It's Me: The Truth behind the Excuse" at PsychAlive.